This year just keeps getting worse. It started in January with major bout with depression/anxiety and other personal issues. Quit drinking for 70 days. Then Pino passed away suddenly in March. I felt pain that I never thought I would feel again. This proved to be wrong. Somewhat of a spiral hit me and felt bad due to feeling unsuccessful and worrying about everyone else... mom with getting pacemaker, dad needing surgery in the fall and what seemed to be the rainiest summer in ages. It also weighed in on my relationship. Then the big BOOM! My father passed away unexpectedly and that pain I felt when Pino left us was multiplied by 100, if not more. The man who had been my go to person whenever I needed help or wanted to brag about something that would make him proud was gone and gone forever. Again, tried to hold it together for my brother and other family. The year was supposed to get better, but no. Finances start getting tight. A blogger and local friend decided to leave this world soon after. He felt he had no other option. I wish I could have seen the writing on the wall, but I didn't. Again, what in the hell was 2015 doing to me. I was becoming a wreck. Financially and mentally. Trip to ER for eye blood vessel popping. Not taking care of myself. Relationship. Then health issues. Nothing like being told you have an enlarged spleen, then weeks later a spot on your liver and dangerously low platelet levels. Start seeing a new therapist (old one moved out of town). You know you have issues when at then end of your 1st meeting, she wants you back within 48 hours to continue to talk. Meanwhile, still doing blood work... quit drinking again (21 days so far). Still feel tired, but not sleepy tired, more like fatigued all the time. Endoscopy is done with not internal bleeding, but possible cirrhosis causing belly to poke out due to enlarged liver and spleen putting pressure on stomach. More blood work and another sonogram scheduled after 1st of December. And today... my neighbor of 5 and half years passed away. She and her husband are the only neighbors still here from when we moved in and have been the nicest people over all the years. Watching the house, watching the dogs. Loving our dogs Cricket, Pino and even the loud one Roxy. Good people. Her passing is just too sad. So much this year (and this is not everything). They say what does not kill you makes you stronger... well, I should be Superman by now and we still have a little over a month left in the year. If I had the money, I would pack up some clothes grab Zeal and head to Old San Juan Puerto Rico and just find a nice spot on the beach and throw my phone in the ocean. This old tree is tired of being bent, and sure as hell does not want to be broke(n)... I just want things to be like they were with minimal worries, lots of smiles and some peace. Too much to ask? I figured it was. Until then, I will skate by day to day and hope for the best. Sorry, just had to get up on my sad, shaky soap box. I now step down to brush my teeth and go to bed so I can wake up and see what the world has planned for me in the morning.
Friday, November 20, 2015
It has been one of those weeks... the kind you think would never end. Lot's of shit on my mind and nothing to really do about it. Such is life. For the past few months my health has not been up to par due to stress, anxiety, depression and not taking care of my body or mind. I have been fatigued and and just plain out of it. About 3 weeks ago I quit drinking. I started to see a new therapist (who is great) and prior to all that I started with a hematologist to monitor my blood and then a liver specialist who has been monitoring liver and enlarged spleen. For months I had been having problems with bleeding and getting it to stop. From bloody nose to the simplest of scratches (even the dog punch to the eye). My blood platelet levels were hovering around 35-50 when they should be 150 to 400... so definite red flag. In October sonogram showed enlarged spleen and fatty liver. I have had a fatty liver all my life, but now was a little more than that. There apparently was a mark or two, but main concern was the super enlarged spleen. While keeping an eye on these things, it was set up for me to have endoscopy done yesterday to make sure blood vessels and stomach did not show signs of internal bleeding.
Yesterday I had my endoscopy. I did not drink or eat anything.... ANYTHING from mid-night until after the procedure (which was about 4pm). That is a long time for me, and everyone in the hospital could hear my stomach growling. The preliminary findings are that there are no issues in my esophagus or stomach. I go back for another sonogram in December to see if the spot on my liver has grown or fixed itself (could be Cirrhosis, early). The enlarged spleen and swollen liver are putting pressure on my stomach causing my stomach to poke out, especially after eating or drinking anything that can cause gaseous build up. Once the swelling goes down in time with spleen and liver, the swollen belly should also go down. But it will take some time, hopefully before Summer... So there is everything that I have been waiting to tell everyone.
Now I have to fight this fast growing beast... Zeal is getting huge!!!
(I put this out there, not for sympathy, but for my friends and family who have followed me on the blog and other social media for years. You know I am pretty much an open book and just want to keep it open. I am who I am and appreciate those who surround me in person and via the vast internet)
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Just been feeling kind of weird lately. I think stress about work, my health and the world around us has me a bit down. Also, the fact the weather is changing and that of course means that the sinuses go nuts. Today was not really a stressful day, but was long and I felt tired, even though I did get some decent sleep last night.
We did get up early to watch as close to 30,000 runners joined in the Richmond Marathon and ran by our house. Above is the first group through around 8:20am. Again, we were at mile 5 and they had started at 8am.
The sun was not in prime position for taking pictures from our house and it was also a bit on the chilly side to start the day off.
This Marine carried our flag during the race... I wonder if he was able to hold on to it for the whole marathon.
After the race, I took a little power nap, then headed to grocery store...when I got home, Zeal was at side gate barking at me wanting to come out and play... ummmm, let's just say she is getting big and my fear now is that she is going to learn to jump, and that will not be a good thing...arghhh, just something else to worry about.
I hope everyone had a good Saturday. Tomorrow I get to pick up food for food pantry and then head over to our friends Steph and Say for brunch... hopefully it will be a nice day out. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!
My heart goes out to the families of the victims in Paris and Paris itself. Tragedies like this are happening to often and I honestly don't know what to say that has not already been said. Events like tonight, small town school shootings, and planes being blown up. Is there really an answer to stopping these people from killing innocent men, women and children? I don't pretend to have the answer, but I wish I did. Prayers for Paris.
Monday, October 26, 2015
To say 2015 has been a rough year for me would be an understatement. I really can't wait for 2016, so I am starting fresh today. I am laying off the booze and going to get myself in better shape physically and mentally. Which means when I feel better about myself you may see more of me than you want... My family and friends are great and are here to support me, and you could not ask for much more than that. I have made mistakes, gone over the edge a few times too many, but I am ready to bounce back. Today I weigh in at 233 pounds...after I eat it will likely be more, but hopefully with a fresh start I want to be down to 185 by next summer so that I can look good in a bathing suit (if I can afford to go on vacation by then). I also have some clothes I would like to fit into again...I don't want to just work the runway... I want to own it!!! HEHEHEHE! Anyway, I put together this little video and I think it will now be my theme song for life.